Today, I want to talk to you about a somber but common pattern that will often happen in relationships.
I want to talk to any of you who were maybe once hoping that your partner would once change or improve; and now you’re in this place where you’re starting to give up that hope. It’s a very common dynamic to be somewhat unfulfilled and unhappy in a relationship, and that’s normally because there’s an emotional need that you have that your partner isn’t meeting.
Very frequently, I will find out about a partner who has gone to their beloved, and knocked on their door to say, “Could you please stop doing X?” or “Could you please start doing more of Y?”. Then, they do that for a while, and then very often, they will give up hope that their partner will change. And usually, that’s because some sort of negative feedback loop has formed on accident where maybe they ask for the change, but their partner responds defensively and isn’t open-hearted about it at all. Or maybe they ask for the change, and their partner says “Yes”, but doesn’t actually follow through. Whatever that negative feedback loop is, it’s usually causing some discouragement in the process.
When we reach that place where we stop hoping that our partner will change to meet our needs, we start to lower the bar in terms of what we hope for and what we expect. It’s never a good thing, and actually leads to negative things like depression about the future of the relationship or worry about whether the relationship will make it. Then, we start pulling away from our partner emotionally. “Well, if I’ve asked you before, and you haven’t followed through…why should I keep leaning in to be close to you?”
If any of that resonates with you, and you feel like you’re in that place, know that it’s not uncommon. But also know, that is a critical moment in time for your relationship. When one partner gives up hope, it’s as though the relationship stops breathing. And just like you would want to do with a human body that stopped breathing, one of you needs to pick up that body and bring it in front of medical professionals as soon as possible so that you can get it breathing again.
It is sometimes in that moment, when that partner gives up hope and pulls away, that their significant other finally wakes up and steps in to take action because they get spooked and scared about the relationship themselves. But regardless of who it is in the relationship that takes action, one of you needs to move swiftly and carry the relationship to professional assistance so you can get the life breathing back into it again.
If you want professional assistance in your relationship that is experiencing similar patterns, call us at 303-455-3767 X 5.