How’s Your Love Life?
As law-abiding citizens who have a tremendous amount of professional responsibilities as well as personal responsibilities, our sex lives are often one of the only aspects of our lives where it’s considered acceptable for us to display that darker side of ourselves. You know, that naughty side where one wants to be uninhibited, is allowed to be passionate, or do things that are sometimes considered forbidden. Now, regardless of whether you’re dating casually or if you’re in a long-term relationship, it is absolutely possible to have a passionate and fulfilling sex life. However, like all good things in relationship it’s not going to simply accidentally happen to you, especially if you are in a long-term relationship. You are going to need to make a concerted effort to work on it, and to keep it as passionate and fulfilling as possible.
Variety Is the Spice of a Healthy Sex Life
If you’d like your sex life to be a little bit more naughty, a little bit more passionate, and a little bit more fulfilling, then one of the things that you’re going to need to incorporate is more variety. Variety is the spice of life and it will help fire up new neurological pathways between you and your partner. If your physical relationship with each other is a bit too nice, too nice can become too boring, or unfulfilling, or lackluster sometimes. Most couples who are in a long-term relationship find that they fall into a “normal” sexual routine. It usually happens in this part of the house, at this time of day and first they engage in this position, and then they do this other thing and next time, the same routine repeats. Well, there are some benefits to having a normal routine however, if the normal routine is the only routine in your sexual repertoire well, that’s going to be working against having more passion in your relationship.
Think of it as taking the same route to work every day. You know what to expect, so sometimes you kind of check out and don’t even fully pay attention. The heat, passion, and naughtiness is not going to be supported by something that’s so predictable every single time. Now, variety can include absolutely anything that both of you are comfortable with but of course in order to effectively incorporate variety into your love life, you’re going to have to be comfortable or become comfortable talking to each other about your preferences, comfort zones, and discomforts and giving each other more frequent feedback about your sex life. If you have not yet become comfortable with that, I’m going to invite you to start practicing. For a lot of couples, it becomes easier as they communicate more and more with one another.
In the 15 years that I’ve been working with adults on relationship issues, I often find myself kind of dumbfounded at how many individuals do not set a really high bar and do not dare to dream about having a really passionate, fulfilling, naughty sex life with their partner. In fact, we know from Gottman’s research that when we lower our expectations for our relationship, this does not actually work in our favor. It works against the relationship because it generally leads to a greater sense of disconnection between the two partners, or a greater sense of unfulfillment. There was a fantastic research study done on 1500 couples in long-term, committed relationships that found conclusively that the people who are having the best sex out there became great friends and playmates first and foremost. Then once they had that solid foundation in place, they became great lovers. And when you have passionate sex with someone that you are emotionally connected to, it is the epitome of hot, passionate sex and it blows casual sex with a stranger out of the water any day of the week.
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